Monday, September 2, 2013

The End, Yet the Beginning...( warning - Breast Feeding Post & the Grief cycle)

We all come to different stages in our lives where we see the end of what was our life for the last um-teen years or months and the change that is ahead. Some of us are overjoyed at these next steps or end of that certain chapter but, most of us see these as bittersweet experiences.
For me, the most recent one was TODAY! I seriously went through the whole grief cycle in a matter of hours. I bargained with myself saying internally " i can totally still do this if i just give up what i really need to do" " I will just try harder, then everything will be fine"! I Denied that this was going to happen today- i said now way- This is not happening! I felt GUILTY for not being a more equipped mother to my most recent baby. I was ANGRY at Myself  for being a QUITTER! I held my limp , stretch marked abdomen and SOBBED uncontrollably, Hating that i didn't Get to NURSE ALL of my Babies and get that bonding time with each of them.
 As I held Slade in my Arms after nursing, Just minutes before this huge melt down- letting Him nurse as much as He wanted, Even though He was getting little to no milk from me.

He is just a few days shy of 8 months and I felt horrible that i didn't make it to the year mark like i had wanted! He was drastically under weight until 6 weeks ago when i introduced formula and bottle feeding to him. His stomach was concave and you could see his Ribs and Spine way to readily. i Nursed him so diligently over those 6.5 months of exclusive feedings- i lost tons of weight too. He must have been getting what He needed but, he was always crying and very skinny. It Felt right to introduce formula and supplement and i OBSESSED about it and changed everything to keep my milk, Herbs, more water, more grains, less exercise and changes in his surroundings. BUT, Slade has a mind of his own. He pops on and off and looks around- the social guy! He was ready long before i was to eat other foods and He needed more than what i was producing. Again- the Guilt and Depressing feelings of inadequacy! My own sister could feed 4 babies without batting an eye with her Production!

Anyway- back to today- I sat there with my baby in my arms, now just playing on my lap and bored of my lack luster offerings, and in walks my oldest child, Brielle! He latches on for kicks and giggles and Brielle says to me, as she looks over my shoulder- I'm so Glad You Had Slade, Mom. He is the Best Surprise! Tears welled up in my eyes as i thought about what Kara must have felt again, what I could have done to Nurse her ( since i miscarried 2 days before she was born) and how this is THE END of my Child Bearing LIFE as I know it! This is the last time i will ever nurse a baby- ever! He is our LAST child from my worn down Body! My womb has housed 7 tiny people- 2 who made it all the way to our family on earth! Over these last 11 years- we have had highs and lows and I'm extremely grateful for each one of our children and how they came into our family! They are all precious in every way to us!

This Year I've Had my LAST birth Child, My last BABY, My last time suckling an infant and knowing every tiny detail in this sweet face b/c i spent the last 17 months carrying and caring for him!
I will NEVER have this experience in my earth life again. WHY? b/c our family isn't meant to grow this way again. I've been through enough and We just know it's NOT GOD'S PLAN for our little family. I Don't know what else to say- it's just what we KNOW without a doubt! Plus with my luck I'd be 36-39 before i stayed pregnant again and it would be fraught with many miscarriages again, no doubt ,b/c of the PCOS and Hormonal imbalances i struggle with.

The Last Part of the Grief Cycle Hit me about 2-3 hours later, ACCEPTANCE! Brandon Held Him as i was Bawling and He said- "Well, at Least it's not the end of Slade!" I laughed through my tears  and went to my room to change clothes and i continued to sob as i readied my Hair and outfit. I wept and just continued to be overwhelmed with the Magnitude of what this means. The Light finally started to shine through as i recalled all that i have ENDURED through and how it made me who I am today!
I May not be perfect but, b/c of my infertility issues, my adoptions, my passion to share what i have been through and willingness to bear my soul- I have GROWN and impacted others ( well, at least a few people that i know)! 

I also thought about how NEAT this next phase is going to be- Gavin & Slade are going to be best buddies here pretty soon- and gang up on me:) They are going to be into mischief and fun and share bedrooms and toys ( fat chance if G has anything to say about it right now though- he is a toy hoarder:)!

MY BOYS are growing, my life is changing, i get to PUSH my Physique to the next level and get rid of the last 28 lbs without Nursing making my body confused! I get to OWN this body forever so, It's my turn to Take Care of ME! Often times I see moms who have just GIVEN up on treating their Physical temples with Love, gentleness and Care! They LET THEMSELVES GO! It's heart breaking for me and there is no way they can be truly Happy feeling STUCK in their current state!  I Know It's a Challenge to Lose weight- but it's the BEST one- anyone can commit to. It's not the END of the WORLD to be overweight but, It can END YOUR LIFE if you do nothing about it! The long and Short term effects are horrible on every faucet of every organ of your body! I know, I've done this whole weight loss thing three times in my adult life!

I am so EXCITED to see what our future holds. When Slade hits 1 or 2, will we start Foster Care? Will we put our papers in for Foreign Adoptions soon or in 4 yrs? Will we be in our new house? A new School? A New Town? What will this NEW BEGINNING hold? I can't wait to find out!!!
~CC

2 comments:

The Dell Family said...

Corrine, You are so awesome!

The Allen Fam said...

We can lose 28 lbs together! That will put me back at my pre-pregnancy weight, after this last miscarriage! You are an amazing mother and you do not have a little family! You have a big family and they are all amazing! Way to go Momma! Thank you for sharing!